The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week – best news

[ad_1]

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

— trash jones (@jzux) January 2, 2024

got entirely roasted by TSA

him: what is this?
me: a jar of caramel
him: why do you have a jar of caramel?
me: Christmas gift
him: for who?
me: I’m going to see my bf’s family
him: and you thought “oh, I’ll bring them a jar of caramel”??

and then he laughed at me!!! 😭

— Kate Whitaker 🌷☕️ (@kwhitaker_) January 3, 2024

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

— Frances Hardinge (@FrancesHardinge) January 2, 2024

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little fucking paperwork.

— kate♡ (@unimpresst) December 31, 2023

i’m forever loyal to that password i chose at age 12 😭😭

— ©🎀 (@casbby888) January 3, 2024

i can’t believe they had kids wearing 3 piece tailored suit on a tuesday afternoon like it’s casual-wear https://t.co/tdjk4sncQH

— kira 👾 (@kirawontmiss) January 4, 2024

instead of dry January I’m doing why January. it’s where every day i stand in the middle of the street & scream WHY GOD WHY

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 2, 2024

this is how i picture the microplastics in my body https://t.co/yeB48ZFkea

— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) January 3, 2024

i wish champagne would open with less gusto…like read the room babe it’s just me

— chase (@_chase_____) January 1, 2024

do you think I can read 46 books in the next 17 minutes pic.twitter.com/1irvCFaoEI

— stephanie ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆ (@hi_stephanie) January 1, 2024

When I'm on deadline: Absolutely NOBODY talk to me I cannot process a SINGLE thought that is not about this story in front of me

When my friends are on deadline: do you think polar bears know how to love 🥰

— Hayley Harding (@Hayley__Harding) January 4, 2024

concert goers be like "that's my emotional support piece of confetti i found crumpled underneath someone's shoe"

— alexis kimberly (@notsixela) January 4, 2024

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

— Grip Bayless (@talleyberrybaby) January 2, 2024

My husband made those easy bake pillsbury crescent rolls this morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, the crescent rolls: pic.twitter.com/yU5keyGY7M

— Nimisha Barton (@NimishaBarton) January 1, 2024

I love leap years, every 4 years the calendar just goes now let’s do a silly one

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 1, 2024

I see your girl math and raise you childfree math, which is justifying every purchase by the fact that you aren't spending money on children.

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) January 4, 2024

just started reading my first book of the new year!! pic.twitter.com/QNz6BA234L

— 🪱 malaina (@123lgSwift) January 1, 2024

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 1, 2024

hey girl!! not to be weird but i just wanted to let u know that somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that i had in february of last year? just wanted to let u know! its not confidential!!

— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) January 2, 2024

just got the funniest message from my director cuz my whole team thought the office was closed on 1/2 and reopens on 1/3 lmaoooooooo

— ashley ray (@theashleyray) January 2, 2024

I was using vinegar while cleaning my bathroom and then I thought hm maybe I should bleach this too and long story short that is mustard gas https://t.co/oimGcsN9TO

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) December 31, 2023

every day bernie sanders makes Very Serious news and every day news outlets use a picture of me asking him about his spotify wrapped pic.twitter.com/eYjFP5jYka

— Oriana González (@OrianaBeLike) January 3, 2024

oh nooo a minor inconvenience guess i’ll die

— clare (@sadderlizards) January 4, 2024

I'm rereading/listening to some of the American Girl books on Libby and man, Valerie Tripp did not mess around. We're like 5 pages into Meet Felicity and already I've learned about how general stores functioned in the 13 colonies, the purpose of a sampler, and what alcoholism is.

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) January 2, 2024

i’ve never laughed so hard in my life pic.twitter.com/Dij2eG3neU

— julia (@ikealuvr69) December 31, 2023

i love having a dishwasher but i do wish they could better accommodate my very bowl-heavy lifestyle

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) January 2, 2024

I love the phrase “mind you” because watch how I piece this shit together for you darling just wait.

— coffee bae (@iamsashakae) January 3, 2024

[ad_2]

Source Link